THE ETIQUETTE OF CHRISTMAS CHEER
THE MODERN MAN’S GUIDE TO ETIQUETTE (ACCORDING TO MOA BEER)
Part two of the ongoing series for Denizen magazine, by the founder of Moa Beer Josh Scott.
The first Christmas with my girlfriend and her family, she got me a cool pair of boardies, I then gave her my gift in front of her parents and said “I hope I know you as well as you know me”. I got her a tiger outfit, handcuffs and a whip. It was the only time I had ever seen her go bright red and be rendered speechless. It was a good result and the relationship was swiftly terminated – such is the power of the perfect gift.
So for what it’s worth my gift to you this Christmas is some gift giving advice that I’ve found to be particularly useful over the years and I hope you do too.
TIP ONE: Never give your Mother a better gift than the one your Father has given her. Your Dad has to work a lot harder than you to win your Mothers approval. He gets in trouble for not separating the recycling correctly. You, on the other hand, can still get away with running over the cat. So if you upstage your Dad on the 25th do not expect him to bail you out of any financial difficulty for at least the next 12 months. Dads totally buy into the revenge/dish served cold ethos.
TIP TWO: Always give your sister something completely inappropriate. Girls are bought up differently from boys, they learn social skills and seem happy to apply them whenever possible. Because of this they will instinctively be over appreciative of whatever crap you decide to give them as a gift. Turn this into a game with your brothers for your own amusement. See who can get the worst gift to be proudly displayed on her mantlepiece for the longest amount of time. Interestingly my sister currently has a monkey playing guitar on her kitchen shelf and it’s not the one I gave her in 2008 as my older brother stole it sometime that year. So she has actually gone out of her way to replace a gift she hates just so she doesn’t offend me. Brilliant.
TIP THREE: To impress a new girlfriend get your sister to find the gift. Your sister will slave over this task for weeks – weirdly she will attach her entire feelings of self worth to choosing something perfect for someone she doesn’t even know for no direct benefit to herself. I don’t know why this happens. It’s a huge fault in the feminine psyche but also very useful.
TIP FOUR: Brothers don’t get jack. Seriously. The only thing your brother requires from you is to lie for him three or four times a year to get him out of trouble with A.) A wife/girlfriend B.) An employer/member of the IRD C.) A representative of the legal system. Exchanging wrapped gifts with brothers is awkward at best and the sooner you all recognise that amongst yourselves the better. The only exception to this rule is the giving of a dead animal that you have just caught/shot. That’s perfectly fine.
TIP FIVE: Prime your long-term partner for the ‘us gift’. If you’ve been with your partner for a while you may be ready to take it up a notch and start investing in ‘us gifts’. An ‘us gift’ is a gift that you pool your money together to buy for each other. This is a brilliant strategy for getting the things you actually want and also getting your partner to help pay for them. Traditional ‘us gifts’ include a boat, a motorbike or a trip to the F1 in Melbourne. The secret to the ‘us gift’ is to start selling it in at least six months in advance by using key female trigger-words. When describing a boat don’t make the mistake of justifying it with it’s actual purpose (fishing, preferably not with her), instead talk about gliding through the glassy water on a moonlit night in search of the perfect harbour to share a glass of pinot. Preferably with her. Similarly Melbourne is all about shopping and restaurants.
TIP SIX: Christmas is all about the children. No one likes a Grinch, especially children, so no matter how you’re feeling on Christmas morning make sure you go out of your way for the kids. Most likely it’s the one day of the year that has the most impact on them so make sure you’re the star attraction. They will always remember you because of it and in your twilight years you’ll want to trade on that whenever you need stuff shifted.
Right-oh, that’s all.
Merry X
Stunningly brilliant suggestions – to be compulsorily followed!