Last week Tui Breweries put up a bunch of ‘Yeah Right’ billboards around the place saying “My shout, I’ve got Moa shares”. It’s probably fair enough as we tell our shareholders we’d nearly quadruple in size over 2 years and now we’re only expecting to almost triple. But it seemed odd that Tui would put up billboards knocking another beer, using accounting as their weapon.
Surely beer fights between beer companies should be settled over a beer, using beer.
So we thought Tui might want to challenge us to a ‘beer-off’. We’d get all our Moa beers, they’d get all their Tui beers, and someone impartial could decide which ones tasted the best.
We thought we could get Gordon Ramsay to do it, but he’s a Moa beer fan already so that probably wasn’t very fair. Then we thought about getting Ian Botham and Shane Warne, and they said they would be up for it, but they’re also Moa beer fans as well, so again not really that impartial.
In the end we decided to sort out who the judges would be later on, and just ask whoever owns Tui when would be a good time to do it.
The weird thing is, no one knows exactly who that is.
We phoned the Tui Brewery in Mangatainoka and they told us we had to talk to DB Breweries up in Auckland, where most of the Tui is made. So we did that, but whoever answered the phone put us through to their Monteiths department by accident.
Then we tried to talk to the CEO of DB Breweries, that new guy from Britain that supports the English Rugby team, and kept getting the run-around. Not that it mattered anyway as we then found out that DB doesn’t even own DB! It turns out it’s actually owned by a company up in Singapore run by some guy called Samson Wong.
So we phoned Mr Wong at Asia Pacific Breweries in Singapore, only to find out that Asia Pacific Breweries doesn’t belong to Asia Pacific Breweries either, but to Heineken in Holland. So finally we rang Amsterdam to try and talk to the owner of Tui Breweries, and the receptionist said she’d never heard of it and we probably had the wrong number.
I’m not making this up.
All we wanted to do was have a beer-off, but it was getting pretty hard to figure out who we were actually having a beer-off with. It felt like Tui was part of some global beer ponzi scheme.
So if anyone out there knows how to get in touch with whoever actually owns Tui, let me know by sending an email to firstname.lastname@example.org
It would be good to get the beer-off underway before someone buys Heineken and we have to start all over again.